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Using Facebook As Therapy Does Not Work

USING FACEBOOK AS THERAPY DOES NOT WORK

Since its inception, people have been using FB as a sounding board to write about their breakups, their problems with friends, dealing with loneliness, and a host of other personal issues. I sat back and watched silently; what do these people REALLY HOPE TO GAIN with these posts? As a coach, I personally tell my clients to run the other way if they are dating somebody that is practicing this type of behaviour, here’s why:

1. The person who writes these posts are always “right,” making the other person “wrong.” They essentially bash their exes on Social Media. We get it, he’s a complete dick, and she’s a big whore, but does garnering a bunch of hearts and likes actually help in any way? Of course not. It shows me one VERY IMPORTANT THING, this person has NO PROCESS AND STRUCTURE TO DEAL WITH THE ACTUAL EMOTIONS THAT TOOK PLACE. Instead, they resort to FB as a means to deflect the pain they are going through, looking for temporary relief and attention. This in turn tells me one thing: this drama is going to repeat again, and again, and again.

2. They make themselves a Dating Victim: the whole world sucks except for them. Insert Facebook rant. For some reason (but definitely, definitely not because of any of their choices), they keep dating these sluts and assholes. If they don’t find a professional to help, I can predict one thing – more sluts and assholes are a comin’ their way. They need to break their love energy cycle. Do they know how to do this? How has blaming the world and all of their exes worked out for them so far?

3. It’s a ginormous red flag. Relationships come and go for one main purpose – to facilitate learning. If they have come to the sounding board to be “right,” it’s proof that they aren’t willing to look in the mirror and learn ANYTHING about themselves through the process they’ve so painfully shared with us. Relationships depend on teaching and learning, if you are seeing somebody that always needs to be “right” (enough to sound off on FB about it), then it’s very likely the relationship is doomed. We are more than just a body, we are powerful beyond measure – if being “wrong” about something somehow takes away from who we think we are, we’re missing the point of life. If being “right” is more important than the relationship, it has no chance to begin with.

I know some of you are fuming mad at me right now – how dare he, he doesn’t understand?! The thing is, I do. I used to be just like you. And believe it or not, I want to help, and that’s why I wrote this post. Using Facebook as therapy (vaguebooking) HAS NEVER AND WILL NEVER WORK. Please find the courage to seek out a self-confidence coach, relationship coach, or a therapist. YOU CAN DO THIS AND YOU HAVE MORE POWER OVER YOUR OWN LIFE THAN YOU REALIZE!

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Emotional Abuse. Leaving the Narcissists and Beginning the Path of Healing.

There is a rise of narcissism that is beginning to cripple North American culture – from the very top (Trump) to the bottom, it doesn’t take much looking around to notice. Further complicating this new era of narcissism is that it’s riddled with severe insecurities and lack of morals. Been on the Internet lately? Have you seen the judgmental and abusive comments, or the passive aggressive statements and posts? There is a strong sense of self entitlement. I keep asking myself where this is coming from, and what I can do to stop it. It’s increasingly common for grown men to lash out on social media and text over small things. EGO has run out of control and our society simply stands by and watches. In terms of dating; it’s made for tumultuous territory. Sometimes, the nicest gesture can be responded with name calling, or worse, over a simple misunderstanding. When we do, we become oversensitive guys who do not wish to hear, or admit, the truth.  We become narcissists. Good luck getting an apology from one: you’ll be long dead before you get it.

The problem:

Narcissists have no clue they are narcissists. To them, they are victims in society and in every single one of their relationships. They struggle with self-doubt, feelings of depression, and constantly compare themselves to their peers on social media. Didn’t get a lot of likes on an Instagram post? This is enough to send a narcissist into anger or sadness. When they do get them you can watch their face literally light up before your eyes. They take any attention they get, and you might as well not even be in the same room as them: you no longer exist.

Where do we go now?

So, what can you do when you realize you are friends with, or are dating a narcissist? Well, if they are physically or emotionally abusive, you will eventually have to leave if they don’t change their behavior. Watch how they react: are they empathetic to your feelings? Are they making changes: no longer going on the attack when conflict arises, or are they continuing to try to make you feel like shit? Move on!  I’m always okay with giving chances – trust me, I give way too many. Life is just too short, and there are too many other amazing people out there to meet and experience. You don’t owe anybody a therapy session.

To the narcissists:

I get that you are struggling; but, your insecurities are not an excuse to emotionally or physically attack another human being or animal. Grow a pair: stop the cycle of pain in this world and take some responsibility for the pain you are dishing out that perpetuates this sometimes shitty negative world we all have to live in. Get the help you need. When you give out pain, you literally are “part of the problem.”

Now the really tough part (thanks for sticking with me!):  Ask yourself how you’re contributing to the narcissism of the world. Do you owe somebody an apology or have you damaged a relationship simply over a bruised ego? How can you be a person of healing or at least stop your own pain from transferring to the people you care about?

Love will always win

From somebody who has coached many men, I can tell you first hand that these narcissists aren’t happy. They go through extreme highs and lows – one minute believing they are better than others and the next, less. They long for real connection, like we all do, but usually attempt to get it through looks, money and fame – and real love and fulfillment eludes them.

Instead: focus on meaning and purpose in your life and you will have just that, a meaningful and purposeful life.

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The First Step to becoming a STUD

The First Step to becoming a STUD

I have been racking my brain, meditating, and asking my business coaches and friends: what is the piece that I am missing here? I have clients that take my course and people are buying my books but why is it just trickling in when I feel like people should be knocking down my door? As far as I know I’m the only guy in the world that can GUARANTEE my clients will have a DRAMATIC INCREASE in their self-confidence, and where it really matters to us.

90% of my clients have a significant relationship within a year of taking my course. 90 freaking percent! The other 10% you mention? Yup, well after taking my course they decided that they would finally live it up and ENJOY their single life for maybe the first time in their lives.  It still blows my mind.  I know guys that are getting married or are now living with their partners and it lifts me the fuck up knowing I had even if just a little piece of setting them on that path.

BUT, they all did the first step to becoming a STUD before I even spoke to them. This is really what started to change their lives.

So what the fuck are we waiting for? What is this first step!?

THE FIRST STEP TO BECOMING A STUD IS BEING MAN ENOUGH AND COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO RECOGNIZE WE NEED HELP AND THEN TAKE ACTION. EITHER BY SEEKING OUT INFORMATION OR FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON WHO HAS THE KNOWLEDGE WE NEED TO CHANGE AND GROW. WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT THINGS ARE NOT WORKING, AND THAT IF WE DO NOT CHANGE THEY NEVER WILL.

STUDs all have one thing in common: they realize they don’t know it all and never can. They have the ability to check their ego enough to investigate and then soak up information they need to get bigger, faster, better, stronger, wiser, more passionate, become a better lover, ANYTHING.

Remembering back in my desperate and lonely days, this was the thing that changed my life.  I remember thinking, Is this all there is to life? Is this as good as it gets? Then it hit me, some people out there are living happier, healthier, better lives. They seem to always have women or men after them and they seem to really be happy and fulfilled. I had to find out how they were doing it. So I summoned the courage, and for me, I started to read books on confidence, relationships, dating, spirituality, happiness – and to this day, I STILL READ AND AM STILL LEARNING about all of these same things.

So. Are we willing today to take the FIRST STEP TO BECOMING A STUD? ARE WE WILLING TO ADMIT WE DO NOT KNOW IT ALL? Are we willing to admit that we are all teachers in this universe but as well we are all learners at times?

We can do this.  We can step out of our comfort zones today and say, “alright, I’m here. Now let’s learn something and then never stop learning.”

Trust me it will be one of the best decisions of your entire life.

For more information please visit www.studtraining101.com

 

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Courage

Fear holds us back from most things in life. Not just fear of failure but usually fear of success. When we succeed, things have to change and that can be hard to visualize and be at peace with the lack of control; so we sometimes get stuck in a cycle of making the same mistakes and taking the same actions over and over again, keeping us where we are comfortable, which can eventually feel depressing. This is where courage comes in.

Each of us has a hero inside of us waiting to come out. Maybe we don’t have to save the damsel in distress from a burning building, but our individual paths call for courage, every single day. Our level of happiness is completely dependent on how willing we are to face our own individual challenges. Something as simple as calling up a loved one can be uncomfortable and terrifying for some while others see it as joy and do it often. Some can get up in front of an audience and speak and maybe even sing while others cringe at the thought of it while they hide in the back row avoiding to be called upon. But somehow the path we have chosen has set up individual challenges for us to go through. When we succeed in our own tests, we move forward to a more comfortable, happier place in life- with brand new challenges awaiting us. When we focus just on our own challenges in our personal lives, we open up opportunities. When we become our own hero, the world changes around us through our new perspective.

So today, right now, be the hero in your own life. Take control over your own happiness. Call that friend you have lost touch with you would like to reconnect with, forgive somebody to take the stress off yourself, do one thing outside of your comfort zone, take one small action step towards your new and improved life.

“The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them”- Einstein

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Conflict

Like everybody, I’m working on this one and usually prefer not to have it. We often see conflict as a negative thing. It’s bad and we don’t want it. And it’s easy to see why. War, death and destruction come to mind. In our everyday lives though conflict happens all the time and we still only tend to see the negative aspects of this and I would like to share a different side.

Conflict just “is”. What it does do for sure, is change the status quo of what is happening. When conflict happens nothing is going to be the same again; it mixes and shakes things up. Sometimes this is necessary to learn something new about the other person; sometimes it’s necessary to learn something deep within ourselves. Sometimes conflict is necessary to make room for bigger and better things and set you on an entirely different course you never would have otherwise.

Questions to ask after a conflict: How did I act as the conflict was taking place? Did I maintain my integrity and my love and warmth and understanding for others or did I lash out? Was I focused on a solution or did I get distracted on trying to hurt the other person because of my own hurt feelings? Did I maintain belief in myself that I will be okay regardless of the situation? Was I speaking from a place of forgiveness?

If you feel you need to run from conflict or avoid it completely, then you could be in for some very troubling times when it comes to others and any relationship. Trust yourself in times of “battle”, hold steady, don’t let the other person break who you are and what you want to stand for in this world. A trick to getting better at conflict and to see what lessons are really to be learned, is to sit with the conflict- stall it- let the tension exist without acting (unless you are in potential physical danger of course then remove yourself). In this moment of tension lots of great wisdom can be gained. Try it and see for yourself how you can grow when conflict comes up again in your life. It might just contain the next great life lesson for you.

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Connected

Your state of consciousness may just be the single most important factor in attracting and maintaining any sort of relationship. When we feel engaged and connected with the universe people can’t help but feel at ease around us and want to be around us. Ever wonder why people say “it will come when you least expect it??” What they really mean is- it will come when you are fully engaged, happy and connected with life. When you are connected and engaged people are attracted to you and don’t even know why.

What do I mean by this?
To help explain this it might be easier to show what NOT to do first. Take for example; you are at a party and somebody has had WAY too much to drink, how attractive do they really look as a long term partner or friend, do you really want to be babysitting them?? The same goes for anybody who is constantly “unconscious”, unengaged, or disconnected it could also be called. Ex. The person who is on facebook or grinder all the time- disconnected. Ex. the person high on weed all the time- also disconnected. Drinking booze every day? Also disconnected. The more we ‘disconnect’ the further we get away from what we are really looking for in life- to feel whole and feel like a part of something. I’m not just talking at the level of addiction, I’m talking at every level and moment we are NOT connected. The more we are distracted in some sort of activity or way, the FURTHER we are from where we want to be and to the people we want to be with.
So how do we change this? First off we have to recognize how we escape in daily life- ALL of the ways and yes there are ALOT!! TV that’s mind numbing, books or magazines that don’t teach us anything, caffeine, cigarettes, prescription drugs, drugs and alcohol are the most common. The more we use these as a crutch for boredom or to numb our feelings (which whether we realize it or not is most of the time) the further we get away from those awesome feelings of connectedness with the world and the more we repel others.

What’s the opposite of this?? Meditation and engaging in fun and interesting engaging activities. Yes there is a reason why meditation has been around for so long and continues to grow. When in a state of real meditation you are connected to the universe. You have a sense of AWARENESS and are conscious of what is happening around you. People are drawn to you. And even better, when in a state of pure meditation it is possible you DONT even feel the NEED to be physically near others. The same feelings of love, connectedness and wholeness can be attained through pure meditation alone. This is why meditation is the best cure for loneliness, getting over a crush or ex, or dealing with any uncomfortable feelings. Meditation synchronizes you to the universe.

So get out in the world, learn something new. Engage fully in your life whether you are by yourself or with somebody else; pay attention, listen, and watch how your life slowly begins to change.

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Tension

I’m discovering being comfortable with our uncomfortableness is the key to making any sort of relationship and keeping it; if we do so desire. When we meet some people we are instantly at ease. These people may become friends or acquaintances we will speak to from time to time in the odd social setting. Funny though, when it comes to people we want to date this isn’t often the feeling we look for first. We prefer excitement, tension, and uneasiness. Will this person like me? Am I even in ‘their league’? If I call them will they bother calling me back? This is awesome! It’s important to sit with this for a moment; at first when we meet a potential dating/sex partner we LOVE the tension, excitement and unease, but this can quickly change. This unease can be fun at first but then can get exhausting, thought consuming and can lead to anxiousness if things don’t develop close or fast enough with our conscious or subconscious “expectations.” And this is what sets a STUD apart from the rest; the ability to deal with this uncomfortableness and uncertainty. A person who is confident, knows what he wants and where he is going has an easier time, and perhaps even will ENJOY this tension while he gets to know this potential other to see if it will be something worth continuing. On the other hand, a person who isn’t confident finds the tension in the times apart from this potential partner NOT FUN. They are anxious for things to move forward and move to a place of CERTAINTY where they know where things stand and if they will be valued. Well the problem is- nothing in life is certain. And in fact most of the best things in life come from reveling in this area of uncertainty and uncomfortableness. We don’t just see this in relationship building. I’m starting to see this everywhere. The next time you meet a special interest or potential friend remember these initial feelings and what you think that person brings to your life. Don’t be so quick to act or move through it to a place of “emotional safety”. This tension helps us become stronger people and some of the characteristics of it can bring great learning and joy to our lives.

To build up your self confidence and happiness please email chris@studtraining101.com for info on course or to ask a related question

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Self Compassion

Self Compassion

This is a concept that I find personally really tough and that I need to put more effort into. I’ve improved yes. But I still catch myself saying to myself, when things aren’t going well, “what the hell is wrong with you,” “why are you such a loser” and “how could you be such a dumbass.” These are hardly productive and I know they specifically don’t work for me. I’ve personally always done my best work when people give encouragement and built up my confidence; never when they have yelled at me or put me down. So why would I still say these mean things to myself? I think for a long time it was because I didn’t know any better. Now that I am conscious of it, it is all about breaking old habits and patterns that don’t serve me.

We are all flawed in many ways. Fears, doubts and worrying if we are “good enough” for this or that can stop us dead in our tracks and can also make these original flaws seem exponentially greater than they are in reality. How we present these weaknesses though to ourselves and to the people around us can make a huge difference in our dating life and other relationships. If we don’t have enough self compassion to feel whole and loved NOW and with all of our flaws, it won’t matter who might happen to come along. The same result in the long run is the same, unhappiness and feeling disconnected. True, we can work on making ourselves better, and we should do this yes. But practising self love and self compassion is the only sure way to start on the path to long term happiness and success in our relationships. You need to exercise for YOU. You need to eat right because you love YOURSELF. You need to learn about the world around you and strive to be a more interesting person FOR YOU. If you don’t find yourself interesting- then NOBODY will. If you don’t put effort in everyday to take care and love yourself- then potential dating partners won’t either. The effort starts with you, and YES YOU DESERVE THIS.

Self compassion takes COURAGE. Give yourself a break, show yourself some caring, nurturing and understanding and start to take the necessary actions on the journey to a new and better life.

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The Minority Complex

I wanted to write a bit about something I continue to see and experience in life and what I refer to as the “Minority Complex”.  The MC is a perception of life that is always limited, is constantly under threat, sees his own uniqueness as a fault or problem mostly in their unknown subconscious and ends up acting this out in a cycle in reality.  To put it simply,  I believe the MC is why there has never been a female president in the U.S, why there are so few to none gay male pop culture artists and politicians,  and why ethnic politicians and ethnic pop culture icons (Chinese, Indian particularly,) in North America are still rare.

How is this so?

Well, we have a tendency to “blame society” or the “white privileged male” for the status quo.  But im here to offer a different reality.  Sorry but the truth does hurt sometimes.  The MC is a huge problem why minorities don’t get ahead; it’s not ALL because of the greater society (the obvious), it’s also because MINORITIES DON’T OFTEN HELP THERE OWN CAUSE by supporting and encouraging and PHYSICALLY acting to help their fellow minority members and mostly THEMSELVES.

Example, if all the U.S women voted for a female president it wouldn’t matter what the “white privileged male” did at all, we would have a female president.  Example, if every gay/bisexual/trans man and woman came out of the closet tomorrow the stigma of homosexuality would be gone almost over night as everyone would become aware that these issues affect them and their families personally.

A recent character that shows this MC in a very nasty way is Samuel L. Jacksons’ character Uncle Tom in the movie Django Unchained .

How does this MC happen?

The MC lives in our subconscious. Because you may feel you have a weakness or don’t live up to societies standard in some shape or form, you set limits on your own life and what you realistically can and cannot achieve. Because of these limits, when you see others you perceive as in the same minority try to move into new territory or a new job or place of perceived prestige- you may also believe that they too cannot “make it” in this new territory based on your own personal fear, beliefs, experiences and expectations.  This in turn causes you to think they are either wasting their time or you could even think they are downright stupid or crazy for even trying!

The MC can be even sneakier. Sure maybe a gay man might set up a meeting for a friend to get a job and then at the last minute could say “hey make sure you act straight otherwise they might not hire you.”

Being an out and gay artist I have literally seen this MC over and over again. People in the community seeing my talent and saying you are great for this or that role or that my music should be played on the radio or you would be great for TV  “but can you pretend to be straight cause we don’t see a market for you even though I personally like you.”  

The “I don’t see a market for a gay artist” makes me laugh still to this day. Not only do we live in a digital age where you can sell music worldwide, we have notable (straight) pop icons SELLING and MARKETING TO GAY SOCIETY (Lady Gaga and Madonna anybody?)  Clearly they see a financial benefit to targeting this market.  Because of the MC though, believing a gay artist can actually market to the SAME group of people and have success in pop culture still seems impossible to some.

My point?

My point is to give consciousness and light to a new limitless way of thinking for a better life for you and those around you,

Chris