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Your Opinion

Know when to have an OPINION….

Remember that last guy you met and might have even dated that was “too nice”??? He was amazing, so nice, put together, easy on the eyes… but something was missing. To put it frankly, you don’t want to jump his bones and you don’t know why.

Well it could be few things. One issue it might be was that he doesn’t ever give his opinion. I would bet a gazillion dollars that nice guy would constantly say things such as (especially when it comes to things like deciding on restaurants, entertainment, activities):

“I don’t care, whatever you want”

“Doesn’t matter”

“I’ll have whatever you have”

These might seem harmless when you first read them and I’m sure every single one of us says them from time to time. I’m not saying they should NEVER be said and you should never go with the flow; I’m saying you should be conscious of if you say them often. Saying things like “it doesn’t matter” all of the time when it comes to decisions between two people starts to unconsciously translate as:

“My opinion is not as important as yours (so I’m not as important as you so why the hell are you hanging around me)”

“I’m not man enough, powerful enough, or confident enough to make decisions”

“I don’t care (about anything really)”

“I avoid my thoughts and feelings and would rather have you deal with them”

“I’m not willing to share with you my thoughts and feelings about even these tiny matters and essentially who I really am with you”

These might sound a little harsh. But we hang out and communicate with others because we like to have experiences-we like to LEARN something so we can grow and develop. If you are constantly saying “it doesn’t matter” and not giving an opinion on subjects, life, and activities, you consistently lose the opportunity to show somebody something new. You lose the opportunity to make an impact. You lose the opportunity to teach. HOW SELFISH of you also!! (Hello one sided relationship).

You don’t have to be a dick about giving your opinion or make judgements and force to get your own way all of the time; but just giving and having your opinion opens yourself up to others and shows that you matter.

What you think MATTERS. What you like MATTERS. What you have experienced MATTERS. So next time, make sure this is what you are presenting to the world- that you are special, you are important and that you matter.

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3 ways to have better times at Pride

1. Get involved. Contributing your time and energy to a cause greater than yourself has numerous rewards. It’s a great way to meet people, become part of a team, and you get to see from the inside what pride is really all about. There are many opportunities to get involved; donating your time to help with events, walking in the parade, to name a few. Have a special talent? This is the perfect opportunity to share. Even going out of your way to dress up in a crazy costume to walk down the street can be a way to contribute as peoples face light up with joy and possibly more depending on what you wear (or choose not to wear). As my friend likes to say “what are YOU bringing to the party.”

2. Stop chasing a scene or a potential lover and focus on having fun with your friends. I screwed this one up on Thursday night as I texted my night away and bounced from bar to bar hoping for more excitement. This is a horrible way to spend a night. Only YOU can control how much fun you are having. Once you start to look outside of yourself for fun and entertainment- you and your night are DONE. Look at the people you went out with and get engaged. Get interested. Ask questions and actually LISTEN for the answers. BE FUN and EXCITING; don’t look for it and it will arrive naturally to you. Focusing on meaning and purpose will ALWAYS pay off.

3. Love yourself and your body and quit comparing yourself to others. Next time you hear yourself saying anything such as -“I am too old for Pride, I am too fat for Pride, I don’t look like those guys, I am too skinny to fit in, or I don’t know what to say to guys I think are hot” – I want you to replace them with and tell YOURSELF instead “WELL THEN YOU CAN JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!”, particularly say it in Chris Tuckers voice really loudly! You need to SHUT UP that tiny, insecure, negative, bitchy voice that keeps you from having fun. Tell those negative thoughts to “SHUT THE FUCK UP” and then replace them with something empowering. Only you can control your attitude and thoughts, and that will solely determine the impact of the experiences you want to have. It’s your life. Live it for you because you definitely deserve it.

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Courage

Fear holds us back from most things in life. Not just fear of failure but usually fear of success. When we succeed, things have to change and that can be hard to visualize and be at peace with the lack of control; so we sometimes get stuck in a cycle of making the same mistakes and taking the same actions over and over again, keeping us where we are comfortable, which can eventually feel depressing. This is where courage comes in.

Each of us has a hero inside of us waiting to come out. Maybe we don’t have to save the damsel in distress from a burning building, but our individual paths call for courage, every single day. Our level of happiness is completely dependent on how willing we are to face our own individual challenges. Something as simple as calling up a loved one can be uncomfortable and terrifying for some while others see it as joy and do it often. Some can get up in front of an audience and speak and maybe even sing while others cringe at the thought of it while they hide in the back row avoiding to be called upon. But somehow the path we have chosen has set up individual challenges for us to go through. When we succeed in our own tests, we move forward to a more comfortable, happier place in life- with brand new challenges awaiting us. When we focus just on our own challenges in our personal lives, we open up opportunities. When we become our own hero, the world changes around us through our new perspective.

So today, right now, be the hero in your own life. Take control over your own happiness. Call that friend you have lost touch with you would like to reconnect with, forgive somebody to take the stress off yourself, do one thing outside of your comfort zone, take one small action step towards your new and improved life.

“The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them”- Einstein

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Conflict

Like everybody, I’m working on this one and usually prefer not to have it. We often see conflict as a negative thing. It’s bad and we don’t want it. And it’s easy to see why. War, death and destruction come to mind. In our everyday lives though conflict happens all the time and we still only tend to see the negative aspects of this and I would like to share a different side.

Conflict just “is”. What it does do for sure, is change the status quo of what is happening. When conflict happens nothing is going to be the same again; it mixes and shakes things up. Sometimes this is necessary to learn something new about the other person; sometimes it’s necessary to learn something deep within ourselves. Sometimes conflict is necessary to make room for bigger and better things and set you on an entirely different course you never would have otherwise.

Questions to ask after a conflict: How did I act as the conflict was taking place? Did I maintain my integrity and my love and warmth and understanding for others or did I lash out? Was I focused on a solution or did I get distracted on trying to hurt the other person because of my own hurt feelings? Did I maintain belief in myself that I will be okay regardless of the situation? Was I speaking from a place of forgiveness?

If you feel you need to run from conflict or avoid it completely, then you could be in for some very troubling times when it comes to others and any relationship. Trust yourself in times of “battle”, hold steady, don’t let the other person break who you are and what you want to stand for in this world. A trick to getting better at conflict and to see what lessons are really to be learned, is to sit with the conflict- stall it- let the tension exist without acting (unless you are in potential physical danger of course then remove yourself). In this moment of tension lots of great wisdom can be gained. Try it and see for yourself how you can grow when conflict comes up again in your life. It might just contain the next great life lesson for you.

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Connected

Your state of consciousness may just be the single most important factor in attracting and maintaining any sort of relationship. When we feel engaged and connected with the universe people can’t help but feel at ease around us and want to be around us. Ever wonder why people say “it will come when you least expect it??” What they really mean is- it will come when you are fully engaged, happy and connected with life. When you are connected and engaged people are attracted to you and don’t even know why.

What do I mean by this?
To help explain this it might be easier to show what NOT to do first. Take for example; you are at a party and somebody has had WAY too much to drink, how attractive do they really look as a long term partner or friend, do you really want to be babysitting them?? The same goes for anybody who is constantly “unconscious”, unengaged, or disconnected it could also be called. Ex. The person who is on facebook or grinder all the time- disconnected. Ex. the person high on weed all the time- also disconnected. Drinking booze every day? Also disconnected. The more we ‘disconnect’ the further we get away from what we are really looking for in life- to feel whole and feel like a part of something. I’m not just talking at the level of addiction, I’m talking at every level and moment we are NOT connected. The more we are distracted in some sort of activity or way, the FURTHER we are from where we want to be and to the people we want to be with.
So how do we change this? First off we have to recognize how we escape in daily life- ALL of the ways and yes there are ALOT!! TV that’s mind numbing, books or magazines that don’t teach us anything, caffeine, cigarettes, prescription drugs, drugs and alcohol are the most common. The more we use these as a crutch for boredom or to numb our feelings (which whether we realize it or not is most of the time) the further we get away from those awesome feelings of connectedness with the world and the more we repel others.

What’s the opposite of this?? Meditation and engaging in fun and interesting engaging activities. Yes there is a reason why meditation has been around for so long and continues to grow. When in a state of real meditation you are connected to the universe. You have a sense of AWARENESS and are conscious of what is happening around you. People are drawn to you. And even better, when in a state of pure meditation it is possible you DONT even feel the NEED to be physically near others. The same feelings of love, connectedness and wholeness can be attained through pure meditation alone. This is why meditation is the best cure for loneliness, getting over a crush or ex, or dealing with any uncomfortable feelings. Meditation synchronizes you to the universe.

So get out in the world, learn something new. Engage fully in your life whether you are by yourself or with somebody else; pay attention, listen, and watch how your life slowly begins to change.

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Tension

I’m discovering being comfortable with our uncomfortableness is the key to making any sort of relationship and keeping it; if we do so desire. When we meet some people we are instantly at ease. These people may become friends or acquaintances we will speak to from time to time in the odd social setting. Funny though, when it comes to people we want to date this isn’t often the feeling we look for first. We prefer excitement, tension, and uneasiness. Will this person like me? Am I even in ‘their league’? If I call them will they bother calling me back? This is awesome! It’s important to sit with this for a moment; at first when we meet a potential dating/sex partner we LOVE the tension, excitement and unease, but this can quickly change. This unease can be fun at first but then can get exhausting, thought consuming and can lead to anxiousness if things don’t develop close or fast enough with our conscious or subconscious “expectations.” And this is what sets a STUD apart from the rest; the ability to deal with this uncomfortableness and uncertainty. A person who is confident, knows what he wants and where he is going has an easier time, and perhaps even will ENJOY this tension while he gets to know this potential other to see if it will be something worth continuing. On the other hand, a person who isn’t confident finds the tension in the times apart from this potential partner NOT FUN. They are anxious for things to move forward and move to a place of CERTAINTY where they know where things stand and if they will be valued. Well the problem is- nothing in life is certain. And in fact most of the best things in life come from reveling in this area of uncertainty and uncomfortableness. We don’t just see this in relationship building. I’m starting to see this everywhere. The next time you meet a special interest or potential friend remember these initial feelings and what you think that person brings to your life. Don’t be so quick to act or move through it to a place of “emotional safety”. This tension helps us become stronger people and some of the characteristics of it can bring great learning and joy to our lives.

To build up your self confidence and happiness please email chris@studtraining101.com for info on course or to ask a related question

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Self Compassion

Self Compassion

This is a concept that I find personally really tough and that I need to put more effort into. I’ve improved yes. But I still catch myself saying to myself, when things aren’t going well, “what the hell is wrong with you,” “why are you such a loser” and “how could you be such a dumbass.” These are hardly productive and I know they specifically don’t work for me. I’ve personally always done my best work when people give encouragement and built up my confidence; never when they have yelled at me or put me down. So why would I still say these mean things to myself? I think for a long time it was because I didn’t know any better. Now that I am conscious of it, it is all about breaking old habits and patterns that don’t serve me.

We are all flawed in many ways. Fears, doubts and worrying if we are “good enough” for this or that can stop us dead in our tracks and can also make these original flaws seem exponentially greater than they are in reality. How we present these weaknesses though to ourselves and to the people around us can make a huge difference in our dating life and other relationships. If we don’t have enough self compassion to feel whole and loved NOW and with all of our flaws, it won’t matter who might happen to come along. The same result in the long run is the same, unhappiness and feeling disconnected. True, we can work on making ourselves better, and we should do this yes. But practising self love and self compassion is the only sure way to start on the path to long term happiness and success in our relationships. You need to exercise for YOU. You need to eat right because you love YOURSELF. You need to learn about the world around you and strive to be a more interesting person FOR YOU. If you don’t find yourself interesting- then NOBODY will. If you don’t put effort in everyday to take care and love yourself- then potential dating partners won’t either. The effort starts with you, and YES YOU DESERVE THIS.

Self compassion takes COURAGE. Give yourself a break, show yourself some caring, nurturing and understanding and start to take the necessary actions on the journey to a new and better life.

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The Minority Complex

I wanted to write a bit about something I continue to see and experience in life and what I refer to as the “Minority Complex”.  The MC is a perception of life that is always limited, is constantly under threat, sees his own uniqueness as a fault or problem mostly in their unknown subconscious and ends up acting this out in a cycle in reality.  To put it simply,  I believe the MC is why there has never been a female president in the U.S, why there are so few to none gay male pop culture artists and politicians,  and why ethnic politicians and ethnic pop culture icons (Chinese, Indian particularly,) in North America are still rare.

How is this so?

Well, we have a tendency to “blame society” or the “white privileged male” for the status quo.  But im here to offer a different reality.  Sorry but the truth does hurt sometimes.  The MC is a huge problem why minorities don’t get ahead; it’s not ALL because of the greater society (the obvious), it’s also because MINORITIES DON’T OFTEN HELP THERE OWN CAUSE by supporting and encouraging and PHYSICALLY acting to help their fellow minority members and mostly THEMSELVES.

Example, if all the U.S women voted for a female president it wouldn’t matter what the “white privileged male” did at all, we would have a female president.  Example, if every gay/bisexual/trans man and woman came out of the closet tomorrow the stigma of homosexuality would be gone almost over night as everyone would become aware that these issues affect them and their families personally.

A recent character that shows this MC in a very nasty way is Samuel L. Jacksons’ character Uncle Tom in the movie Django Unchained .

How does this MC happen?

The MC lives in our subconscious. Because you may feel you have a weakness or don’t live up to societies standard in some shape or form, you set limits on your own life and what you realistically can and cannot achieve. Because of these limits, when you see others you perceive as in the same minority try to move into new territory or a new job or place of perceived prestige- you may also believe that they too cannot “make it” in this new territory based on your own personal fear, beliefs, experiences and expectations.  This in turn causes you to think they are either wasting their time or you could even think they are downright stupid or crazy for even trying!

The MC can be even sneakier. Sure maybe a gay man might set up a meeting for a friend to get a job and then at the last minute could say “hey make sure you act straight otherwise they might not hire you.”

Being an out and gay artist I have literally seen this MC over and over again. People in the community seeing my talent and saying you are great for this or that role or that my music should be played on the radio or you would be great for TV  “but can you pretend to be straight cause we don’t see a market for you even though I personally like you.”  

The “I don’t see a market for a gay artist” makes me laugh still to this day. Not only do we live in a digital age where you can sell music worldwide, we have notable (straight) pop icons SELLING and MARKETING TO GAY SOCIETY (Lady Gaga and Madonna anybody?)  Clearly they see a financial benefit to targeting this market.  Because of the MC though, believing a gay artist can actually market to the SAME group of people and have success in pop culture still seems impossible to some.

My point?

My point is to give consciousness and light to a new limitless way of thinking for a better life for you and those around you,

Chris

 

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The Basics

What I do:

I help men achieve a dramatically improved self worth, self image and a greater sense of connection; this improves their relationships and helps to create new potential ones.

I provide a framework and tools so the Studs In Training become more true to their authentic self and thrive in a new world of possibilities.

Why I do this:

I LOVE seeing positive change when guys decide to take their lives to the next level. The physical/mental and spiritual growth inspires me in return to continue to strive for my own best life.  Sharing my experiences and skill set gives me a sense of true purpose and sense of connection with my clients.

I help bring out the STUD in YOU.

 

Please email studtraining101@gmail.com to register for the course Stud Training 101 (not all applicants will be suitable for this course)

 

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Cute vs Sexy

I wanted to share an insight of how I go about as the Stud Trainer and why my program builds such confidence and change so quickly with the participants I have had.

What do you think is the difference between somebody you would consider “cute” and what you would call “sexy”.  We know a “Stud” would be automatically considered more on the sexy side but why is this?? Where does this come from?? And do we all have this in our true nature?

Well, ONE of the reasons for peoples sexiness derives from a place a lot of us are not comfortable with- this would be our DARK side.  Our dark side is where our creativity stems from, its our adventurous side, can be our playful side.  Society mostly sees it as our self destructive side and a side that can be harmful to others.  These last two reasons are why a lot of us choose to ignore or repress this side of ourselves.  But a sexy Stud is comfortable with his dark side- he doesn’t repress it and he makes no apologies for it.

TRUE: this side cannot always be controlled and can and sometimes does make for some external problems, frustrations and guilt.  But with proper safe outlets, practice and the right guidance, coming to peace with your inner dark side can unleash a magnetism and sexiness you never before thought possible.

To sign up for Stud Training 101 please contact studtraining101@gmail.com (sorry Toronto area only as of April 29th, 2013)