There’s a silent epidemic happening and it really needs to stop: Apps, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat; there’s a bazillion ways to connect with people these days. We can send a PM, a like, a woof, or we can swipe left and right among other things, and this is all great. “The hottest person I’ve ever seen in my life started following me on Instagram. YaY!”
As always, with the great comes responsibility and privilege, and we are wasting this opportunity. Think of all the super hotties you know that seem to be chronically single: How does this happen? Can you think of a few people that seem to have the perfect outer shell, decent career, yet don’t seem to have a date most Friday nights? I’m about to let you in on a little secret, for you consistently single heart breaking hotties out there. Sorry trolls, there’s nothing to learn here for you in this post, so feel free to move along.
Every SINGLE quality that we have as an identity has a good and bad side. A double edge sword exists with every label we give ourselves and to others. In this case, being a looker as a man these days with the ripped bod can act as a weight, holding us back. Why? Because, as we all know, attractive people have it a little easier in this world. People are constantly trying to meet us, to be friends with us; and in lots of cases, to hire. The drawback is when we don’t develop our social skills with everybody else. We simply don’t need to most of the time, so sometimes we end up lacking the ability to communicate efficiently. We don’t have to be funny to cope with our feelings, and we never make the attempt at a joke, or we aren’t interesting in conversation because we will get invited to the parties regardless. But, when it comes to relationships, looks become just one of many qualities that can help create a romantic relationship and/or keep it together. If looks are all we have to offer, we’re doomed to be alone.
In some more severe cases, the hottie never has to make any effort in any of his friendships and relationships – over time, they don’t gain the ability and skills to ask people out on dates. They forget to check in on good friends. They don’t realize that they need to make an effort, to plan, or to bring other things to the table with people, so they don’t. They just wait till the other person does, and they usually do; but, eventually, they stop. Around them people have been growing, evolving and developing. The really great catches we want are hot too; but not only that, they want a connection, they want to feel wanted, they need to see effort and investment or they won’t be willing to do the same. The same thing applies to friendships: If it is one sided for too long one by one they will drop off. The good news is we can avoid this.
Guys, now is the time to look at how we are operating in all of our relationships; this includes family, friends, lovers. Are we making an effort in each of these? Are we taking responsibility for our lives in the areas where it matters? Or, are we letting the others do all of the work? I’m not saying overkill and be constantly texting and needy, here. I’m saying if you are hot and lonely, maybe this is one area you could improve upon. Grownups don’t have a lot of time, and they will simply stop investing in people that are not willing to invest in them.
Selfishness will get us nowhere in the long run.
So, STUDs, get out there and get some balance back in your life: Plan a dinner with a friend, ask somebody out. It’s your turn! Don’t miss out on your opportunity.
Give and you shall receive. Give your love and energy out into the world and I promise you will always have amazing people surrounding you.
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I was recently the runner up; 2nd place. Not in the driver’s seat. Having fun moments with somebody I found special, then being disappointed the next. Almost everybody in their lives will go through a situation in which they feel like the runner up. If a certain person was not in their lust interest’s lives, THEY would be the one invited to Christmas dinner, THEY would be invited to their lust interest’s cousin’s wedding. Instead, they get a hot romp once in a while and maybe the odd date. I want to talk about this to help people maneuver through this difficult and confusing time.
First, congratulations! It can be rare to find somebody that makes your heart flutter, and it’s awesome you are getting these moments to share with them. Take a moment to be grateful for these. Maybe this is all this is ever meant to be; that’s okay if you let it be and are not putting yourself in harm’s way.
Second, congratulations! Going through these ups and downs are going to prove critical in your relationship growth and experience. Not only are you reevaluating your boundaries with others, you are discovering what you like and dislike, and want in a relationship. These will be useful for this particular relationship later on, or the next one if you decide to move on (or they do).
Now we need an action plan! I wouldn’t ever leave you hanging!
If you find yourself in this position, I recommend these steps to keep your self-respect high, and move yourself forward towards a healthy relationship. It may not be with this particular person, no one can force someone to like them. If two people are meant to be together to share and to learn, they will be. There must always be a willingness between the two parties.
1. Come up with a 3 strike rule: 3 things you definitely CANNOT and WILL NOT put up with this particular person and relationship. If they get 3 strikes, they are outta here! For example: when I think I’m a runner-up with the person I want to be with; one penalty is “if they invite somebody else instead of me to a special occasion.” If this person does this and I feel left out, I DO NOT get all DRAMA, I don’t even mention it to them. I give them one imaginary strike and move on. Simple as that. I haven’t left it, but I’m also not completely putting up with it. I’m saying to myself that this is something that I know I don’t want.
2. Commit to the strikes you have laid out. IF THEY GET 3 STRIKES, as hot as they may be, you have to move on. This is according to the rules you’ve laid out in your strikes. You need to respect and honor yourself, always and forever. The 3 strikes rule helps guide you through this while having concrete evidence to look back on and make an adult decision.
3. Actually move on. Don’t initiate conversations. Feel free to respond, but it’s time to no longer put in any effort, they already proved they aren’t what you’re after. OR…..
Be open to changing the type of relationship you want with this person.
If 3 strikes happen, dating them seriously is out of the picture. That doesn’t mean you can’t revisit this at a later date. For example, if, by some miracle, they change as a person through their individual experiences, or they split with the person that is their priority interest. Striking out it means it’s definitely not the right time now. If you can disassociate feelings with sex, maybe this person can just be a play thing, or just meant to be a friend or snuggle buddy (somebody who comes over and watches movies or sleeps without the sexual contact).
If you decide from your 3 strike rule this person is definitely not right to be “the one,” it is still very possible that they can just be somebody you have a fun or hot time with once in a while. Is this really so bad? I mean, isn’t that exactly what they have decided to do with you? Sit with this thought for a bit. I don’t mean use them; that would also be disrespecting yourself. I’m saying have an adult conversation where you are both redefining the type of relationship in a way that is not disrespecting either of you. You both can gain something which still leaves room for this unique new relationship to evolve as well. Both parties being completely “in” on it and conscious of it (not fooling themselves). In the meantime, you should definitely be dating and looking elsewhere for that special somebody.
WHAT NOT TO DO
• What NOT TO DO: Manipulate them into what you want. People try this all the time and perhaps they will have fleeting moments of success, but the end result will be nothing more than a distrust and a distant type of relationship in the end. It’s never worth it. By manipulating others you indirectly lower your own respect level even if you don’t notice this, at first. When you lose respect for yourself, others will soon follow suit. We must hold ourselves to a higher standard. If we don’t feel we deserve a healthy, happy relationship and don’t act accordingly, we will find ourselves further and further away from the things that matter most to us.
• What NOT TO DO: Continue along while doing nothing, and being disappointed time and time again. This will result in a breakdown of your self-esteem that may take years to recover. YOU ARE ENOUGH and DESERVE SOMEBODY AMAZING TO LOVE YOU.
• What NOT TO DO: Fight or Flight response. There is something that brought the two of you together, try to find out at least what that was before you move on. Ask yourself, “What have I learned here? What have I learned from being with this person?” Once you know the answer, feel free to move on.
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Social media can often make or more often, BREAK your dating and love life. How is this? Lets, find out.
Rants. Everybody knows what a social media “rant” is. But have you ever thought of the consequences of the internet airing of frustrations? To put it simply, rants are usually big a DO NOT if you are looking to get more sex in your life or if you are looking to date. So pretty much everybody should be trying to avoid ranting on social media.
Here’s why: When somebody “rants” on social media they send unconscious messages to everybody who reads it, comments on it, and even “likes” it. These messages are almost never positive the way the writer intends. Even if you are “right” about the situation, and people agree with you, it may still come back to haunt you. Let’s see what really happens when somebody rants…..
What the writer thinks when they are posting a rant on social media:
-“I’m so going to get my revenge on that bitch by calling her out on how she did me wrong.”
-“People will agree with me and that will hurt the other person. I’m doing the world a favor by telling them about his injustice.”
-“This rant will also show that nobody should mess with me because I will stick up for myself. People will respect me”
What others perceive about a persons overall character from a “rant” on Facebook or Twitter:
-“Wow that person is really passive aggressive it’s too bad they aren’t mature enough to have handled that situation privately and face to face with that person.”
-“I should be careful about becoming closer friends with that person who rants. Date them? No way. I don’t need anymore drama in my life thank you very much.”
-“Okay, yes I see their point that was so not cool. How is this any of my business though?”
If something happened that is frustrating you to tears, try to get a family member or close friend to talk it over with instead of posting on social media about it. If it is still bothering you, wait a few days until the ego subsides and you have a more clear and level head. If you STILL have to make a Facebook post about it, fine. Do it in a way that doesn’t personalize the issue by filling it with anger and revenge. If you have a grievance, make plans to speak directly to the source of the problem instead of publicly posting about it to get strangers on your side.
When posting on social media always think to yourself: Am I doing this simply to get attention or is this something that is a fact and is important to me. Am I posting this because my ego is hurt or because the real me is actually hurt? Remember, anytime you post on social media you show the world multiple things, including how you handle situations.Keep this in mind next time somebody pisses you off. It’s not worth hurting your sex life over!!
Till next time, and best of luck in your relationship endeavours:)
Get a trainer. Looking into a personal trainer looks extremely expensive at first glance. Not all trainers are worth this money, but the ones who are, are worth every single penny. Get references from friends who have worked with trainers before to find out which one might work for you. When you learn to work out properly, have somebody to help motivate you, and can teach you a variety of exercises, you will maximize your results. Above all, it just makes sense to get an awesome trainer as you will end up saving hundreds if not thousands of dollars, and countless hours of wasted time in the gym. As you get the results you want you have paid for with your time and money, you will gain happiness and confidence to reach even further.
Investing into your physical best self is one very important way that helps to create magnetism. If you invest in yourself, others will too. As you feel stronger, you will feel sexier. When you give off this improved feeling of sexiness, people unconsciously pick up on it. They come into contact with you because the energy feels good and they want some for their selves as well. You know the people that are in maximum top shape that you just can’t keep your eyes off? Why not be this person. We all have the ability to maximize our own potential, and it’s the effort that matters most in terms of magnetism.
Don’t feel up to it? Want to put it off? Then you really don’t want the best for yourself at this time. You don’t want the life you think you deserve. And you don’t want to feel happy and have the awesome sex that you could be having. When you do want these things, when you have finally had enough of the same life, then get your ass up and into the gym. Hire the trainer.
Feeling down? Take it out on the weights. Feeling lethargic? Then go for a run, get your blood pumping. Eventually it will become automatic; and then watch and wait how others react to you. The compliments, the looks, all the added benefits of your hard work paying off as you designed and planned for it. This is your time to win and get what you want. Take what is yours.
Learn to think how fit people think. Have you ever thought to yourself, “what drives some people to get up at 6 or 7am and hit the gym before work”? Well it’s actually quite simple. The gym MAKES YOU FEEL good. It increases what I call your “PERSONAL POWER”. This is your magnetism to people, places, things and events. Every time you hit the gym, go for a run, swim, or head to yoga class you become more powerful in this world. These people understand that good feelings attract other good things. The gym is one of only very few things in this world to give you a positive return, and every single time. You can’t lose by getting and staying in shape. If you love yourself, then you will get moving. When you get moving people pick up on the fact that you respect and love yourself and unconsciously think, “Hey why is this person so special? I might just want to find out why.” And of course this doesn’t include the pages long list I could write on the health benefits.
Respect yourself and your body and it’s only natural for the world to follow along. Of course not everybody will but the ones worthy will. And who will most likely respect your efforts? Probably other fit and in shape people as well because since they also live this lifestyle they understand the dedication, discipline and motivation it takes to get the job done. Let me tell you an uncomfortable truth you may not want to hear; sex is a physical act, which means that people in shape will have an easier physical time having sex. And this is sexy. Sex tends to be a little hotter with tight, hard and in shape people. Not just from looks but from the actual touch of their bodies. If you add on the confidence most people gain by losing weight and gaining muscle then you have a perfect combination for improving your overall sexiness. Now, lets’ get moving. You have nothing to lose, except the weight.
Don’t you just love those guys who are always writing bitchy comments on twitter, facebook and youtube about how horrible and disgusting everybody ELSE is? Isn’t slamming the latest celebrities bad photo op, performance or video SEXY? Or how much does it turn you on when you hear those same guys making sure they get in on the latest slam band wagon and rip apart Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber and other celebrities sometimes HALF their age and experience, from their very protected from society safe place, at home?
People LOVE dating negative people, having bitchy friends that are always complaining, and prefer working with people who are known to seek revenge don’t they?
It’s not hard to have picked up on the Captain Obvious sarcasm and rhetorical questions and realize the oh so obvious point I am trying to make. Guys, the whole “bring everybody down with your oh so not clever remarks bitchy gay guy” hasn’t been interesting, attractive or wanted since maybe the 90’s. The problem with it is this: every life coach, successful, or happy person has now realized that when negativity comes out of their mouth in any form, it’s ALMOST ALWAYS a reflection of actually how THEY are feeling about THEIR OWN life and struggles. You cannot convince me that people that make a living or spend most of their time slamming (online bullying) others (and are serious about it comedians get a pass) are gonna end up dating or having any real relationship with the hot, happy, sexy and successful guy in the room. You know, the guy who HAS BETTER and MORE INTERESTING things to do with their time.
Yes, people should have and make an opinion when warranted and pop culture can and should be fun to chat about and comment on! But have some tact and respect for yourself, your community and the people you are talking about. The comedic pics and edited videos that end up surfacing on the internet making fun of pop culture are at least creative and entertaining!! These in my opinion are worthy and sometimes freaking hilarious.
I’m not immune to expressing negative behaviours at times of course myself. I had some low times last month in July and had a friend come take me out to cheer me up. After gossiping and chatting negatively about the world and some people we know I caught myself. OUCH> The realization hurt and hit home. When had I become “bitchy gay guy?” I knew I had work to do, ON MYSELF and MY LIFE, not on the others I had mentioned. I apologized to my friend and luckily for me we are close enough for him to know I didn’t mean those things and they were out of character.
Are you “bitchy gay guy” also known in the slang world as a modern “fag” (a term which I personally despise)? If so, it must suck whatever you are going through and I hope you can find the courage to get your life on a path towards happiness. I promise when you do you will be shocked at how much your words and actions towards others, change for the better as well. Maybe your happiness starts by doing the reverse. Only you can find this out for yourself. Try being a better, and more likeable, interesting person rather than just trying to bring others down to your level, I dare you.
Know when to have an OPINION….
Remember that last guy you met and might have even dated that was “too nice”??? He was amazing, so nice, put together, easy on the eyes… but something was missing. To put it frankly, you don’t want to jump his bones and you don’t know why.
Well it could be few things. One issue it might be was that he doesn’t ever give his opinion. I would bet a gazillion dollars that nice guy would constantly say things such as (especially when it comes to things like deciding on restaurants, entertainment, activities):
“I don’t care, whatever you want”
“I’ll have whatever you have”
These might seem harmless when you first read them and I’m sure every single one of us says them from time to time. I’m not saying they should NEVER be said and you should never go with the flow; I’m saying you should be conscious of if you say them often. Saying things like “it doesn’t matter” all of the time when it comes to decisions between two people starts to unconsciously translate as:
“My opinion is not as important as yours (so I’m not as important as you so why the hell are you hanging around me)”
“I’m not man enough, powerful enough, or confident enough to make decisions”
“I don’t care (about anything really)”
“I avoid my thoughts and feelings and would rather have you deal with them”
“I’m not willing to share with you my thoughts and feelings about even these tiny matters and essentially who I really am with you”
These might sound a little harsh. But we hang out and communicate with others because we like to have experiences-we like to LEARN something so we can grow and develop. If you are constantly saying “it doesn’t matter” and not giving an opinion on subjects, life, and activities, you consistently lose the opportunity to show somebody something new. You lose the opportunity to make an impact. You lose the opportunity to teach. HOW SELFISH of you also!! (Hello one sided relationship).
You don’t have to be a dick about giving your opinion or make judgements and force to get your own way all of the time; but just giving and having your opinion opens yourself up to others and shows that you matter.
What you think MATTERS. What you like MATTERS. What you have experienced MATTERS. So next time, make sure this is what you are presenting to the world- that you are special, you are important and that you matter.
1. Get involved. Contributing your time and energy to a cause greater than yourself has numerous rewards. It’s a great way to meet people, become part of a team, and you get to see from the inside what pride is really all about. There are many opportunities to get involved; donating your time to help with events, walking in the parade, to name a few. Have a special talent? This is the perfect opportunity to share. Even going out of your way to dress up in a crazy costume to walk down the street can be a way to contribute as peoples face light up with joy and possibly more depending on what you wear (or choose not to wear). As my friend likes to say “what are YOU bringing to the party.”
2. Stop chasing a scene or a potential lover and focus on having fun with your friends. I screwed this one up on Thursday night as I texted my night away and bounced from bar to bar hoping for more excitement. This is a horrible way to spend a night. Only YOU can control how much fun you are having. Once you start to look outside of yourself for fun and entertainment- you and your night are DONE. Look at the people you went out with and get engaged. Get interested. Ask questions and actually LISTEN for the answers. BE FUN and EXCITING; don’t look for it and it will arrive naturally to you. Focusing on meaning and purpose will ALWAYS pay off.
3. Love yourself and your body and quit comparing yourself to others. Next time you hear yourself saying anything such as -“I am too old for Pride, I am too fat for Pride, I don’t look like those guys, I am too skinny to fit in, or I don’t know what to say to guys I think are hot” – I want you to replace them with and tell YOURSELF instead “WELL THEN YOU CAN JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!”, particularly say it in Chris Tuckers voice really loudly! You need to SHUT UP that tiny, insecure, negative, bitchy voice that keeps you from having fun. Tell those negative thoughts to “SHUT THE FUCK UP” and then replace them with something empowering. Only you can control your attitude and thoughts, and that will solely determine the impact of the experiences you want to have. It’s your life. Live it for you because you definitely deserve it.
Fear holds us back from most things in life. Not just fear of failure but usually fear of success. When we succeed, things have to change and that can be hard to visualize and be at peace with the lack of control; so we sometimes get stuck in a cycle of making the same mistakes and taking the same actions over and over again, keeping us where we are comfortable, which can eventually feel depressing. This is where courage comes in.
Each of us has a hero inside of us waiting to come out. Maybe we don’t have to save the damsel in distress from a burning building, but our individual paths call for courage, every single day. Our level of happiness is completely dependent on how willing we are to face our own individual challenges. Something as simple as calling up a loved one can be uncomfortable and terrifying for some while others see it as joy and do it often. Some can get up in front of an audience and speak and maybe even sing while others cringe at the thought of it while they hide in the back row avoiding to be called upon. But somehow the path we have chosen has set up individual challenges for us to go through. When we succeed in our own tests, we move forward to a more comfortable, happier place in life- with brand new challenges awaiting us. When we focus just on our own challenges in our personal lives, we open up opportunities. When we become our own hero, the world changes around us through our new perspective.
So today, right now, be the hero in your own life. Take control over your own happiness. Call that friend you have lost touch with you would like to reconnect with, forgive somebody to take the stress off yourself, do one thing outside of your comfort zone, take one small action step towards your new and improved life.
“The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them”- Einstein