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Using Facebook As Therapy Does Not Work

USING FACEBOOK AS THERAPY DOES NOT WORK

Since its inception, people have been using FB as a sounding board to write about their breakups, their problems with friends, dealing with loneliness, and a host of other personal issues. I sat back and watched silently; what do these people REALLY HOPE TO GAIN with these posts? As a coach, I personally tell my clients to run the other way if they are dating somebody that is practicing this type of behaviour, here’s why:

1. The person who writes these posts are always “right,” making the other person “wrong.” They essentially bash their exes on Social Media. We get it, he’s a complete dick, and she’s a big whore, but does garnering a bunch of hearts and likes actually help in any way? Of course not. It shows me one VERY IMPORTANT THING, this person has NO PROCESS AND STRUCTURE TO DEAL WITH THE ACTUAL EMOTIONS THAT TOOK PLACE. Instead, they resort to FB as a means to deflect the pain they are going through, looking for temporary relief and attention. This in turn tells me one thing: this drama is going to repeat again, and again, and again.

2. They make themselves a Dating Victim: the whole world sucks except for them. Insert Facebook rant. For some reason (but definitely, definitely not because of any of their choices), they keep dating these sluts and assholes. If they don’t find a professional to help, I can predict one thing – more sluts and assholes are a comin’ their way. They need to break their love energy cycle. Do they know how to do this? How has blaming the world and all of their exes worked out for them so far?

3. It’s a ginormous red flag. Relationships come and go for one main purpose – to facilitate learning. If they have come to the sounding board to be “right,” it’s proof that they aren’t willing to look in the mirror and learn ANYTHING about themselves through the process they’ve so painfully shared with us. Relationships depend on teaching and learning, if you are seeing somebody that always needs to be “right” (enough to sound off on FB about it), then it’s very likely the relationship is doomed. We are more than just a body, we are powerful beyond measure – if being “wrong” about something somehow takes away from who we think we are, we’re missing the point of life. If being “right” is more important than the relationship, it has no chance to begin with.

I know some of you are fuming mad at me right now – how dare he, he doesn’t understand?! The thing is, I do. I used to be just like you. And believe it or not, I want to help, and that’s why I wrote this post. Using Facebook as therapy (vaguebooking) HAS NEVER AND WILL NEVER WORK. Please find the courage to seek out a self-confidence coach, relationship coach, or a therapist. YOU CAN DO THIS AND YOU HAVE MORE POWER OVER YOUR OWN LIFE THAN YOU REALIZE!

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Top 10 reasons you may still be single (for 3+ years)

Being single is just as awesome as being in a relationship – if you are doing it right! That being said, if you do want to switch things up and be in a relationship and have struggled with this for 3 or more years, here are the top 10 reasons why this may be why. Enjoy!

You’re not willing to give others your time and energy

  1. Relationships involve putting in effort, sometimes even when it is not convenient for you.  You may spend hours every day on Tinder, POF or Grindr, and/or you go to the bars on weekends searching for that special somebody.  But when it comes to making a date- if you can’t even push your gym time back half an hour to fit them in, it is a clear sign that you don’t realize what relationships are all about, and what keeps them together.  There are countless upon countless of super sexy, successful men and women out there.  Month after month goes by, then year after year goes by and they still wonder. “Why am I still single when I have so much awesomeness going on”?  If this sounds like you, consider this point carefully. If you live in a large city and can’t seem to find a date on Friday night can you really blame the millions of other people out there? Of course not.  The only common denominator in all of your relationships (or lack thereof) is you.  There are plenty of great catches out there, perhaps you just haven’t taken the quality time with them because you have been slightly self-absorbed.  That’s okay, the minute you start to give others a real chance, open up, and be willing to give them your time and energy—the world of love might just open its doors to you.

You keep doing the same daily routine and expecting different results

      2. This sounds like common sense. But is it really? If you go to the same places, on the same days, and go online on the same sites at the same times every day, you are literally looking at the same pool of fish, day in and day out.  It’s time to mix it up. Go out on the other end of town this weekend.  Connect with a different group of friends. You have absolutely nothing to lose here.  Go a step farther and look at your life and see what ways you could do to possibly see an increase of new faces and meet new people. It’s simple math here; increase the odds of love in your favor.

You don’t have any interest in your own life. No hobbies, no interests. So why would they have an interest in you, if you don’t?

     3. If you spend more time creeping others’ lives on the internet other than on working and living in your own life, it is a clear sign that you have lost interest in your own life.  If you are not creating your own path and bringing others into it, others are bringing you into theirs. Keep a nice balance.  What would being interested in your own life look like? Well for one thing you wouldn’t be on your phone all the time.  You would be paying attention to what is happening in the here and now.  This one I am working on these days and it is not easy!

You don’t love yourself and the world is following suit

     4. When we love ourselves, we give off a special aura of confidence people enjoy being around. Do you REALLY love yourself and think you are amazing?  If you don’t, try showing yourself some true love.  Eat healthy, exercise, and don’t forget to feed your soul (meditate, walks in nature) and your mind (learning new skills, books). You give and you get. Not the other way around.  Take care of yourself and watch how others start to pay a little more attention to you. If you don’t know where to start, that’s okay, reach out to a recommended professional.

You are in a stagnant relationship that you are too afraid to let go of

5. Playing it safe is great for a lot of people. If this is you nothing I write will change that.  I can tell you though that you will never ever find that game changing partner if you are clinging on to a past that isn’t serving you anymore.

You have become bitter and jaded, cynical

    6. Nobody likes to be around a Debbie Downer. Your friends will put up with you and your family will encourage you to pick up your feet in life. But the bottom line is, people that have a positive outlook and fun attitude attract others while negativity pushes others away.  Get over yourself. You were never really hurt in the past, your ego was.  Let it go and get back out there and try to enjoy this short time you have here.  You’re only going to be this age once in your life so it’s a good idea to be making the most of it.

You have lost faith

7. Yes you have had some bad break ups and have run into some serious assholes. I’m sorry for that, nobody deserves that, really.  But if you have given up on finding a partner in this life that is a sure fire way to get exactly that, nothing.  To gain big you have to be willing to keep loving the world, without expectations, even when things don’t go as planned.

Your belief systems hold you in place and reinforce your doubts

     8. We often have experiences in life and because of such, treat them as the ultimate “truth” of the world.  The problem with this is that once we have a specific set of programming in our brain, we unconsciously do everything we can to see and validate these “truths.” If we go out with a few girls/guys that are extremely superficial and come to the conclusion that “all men or woman are superficial”, we set ourselves up for failure and to repeat the same process. Why? Because our brains are always working and we want to be “right” about how we feel. So we seek out the energy of yet another superficial person because it already fits into a story we “know” and are familiar with, while ignoring the down to earth guys or girls and unchartered territory that comes along with it.  The result: you once again become validated in your thoughts that you are “right” in your belief and opinion about this, and meet yet another superficial person that you are frustrated with.  The problem with this cycle is IT DOESN’T serve you and it’s definitely not the same experience all of us are having.  There are plenty of down to earth awesome guys/gals out there; having THIS belief in my brain empowers me, helps me feel good, and puts me in a position of strength to have the correlating experiences that come along with it. You have to be willing to see outside of your own limiting experiences and look at the glass half full if you want different results.

Bad hygiene

    9. Bad breathe and bad body odor are deal breakers for a lot of people.  Some guys take this “natural smell” thing a little far. If it’s sour smelling, for the love of God take a shower.  When it comes to bad breathe, if you aren’t brushing 3 times daily and flossing then you run the risk of others backing away when you are talking to them….and you can forget any type of kissing.  The same runs true with colognes and perfumes.  Keep those to a minimum.  How do you know if you stink or not? Ask a really great friend to give you some honest truth.

You just haven’t met them yet

    10. Relax. Single life is awesome. If YOUR single life is awesome, then it’s likely you don’t really care when your next big loving relationship will come along.  It’s also very likely that others will want to be a part of your awesome life.  Breakups happen all the time and we are all in the process of life.  Enjoy the ride and don’t get stuck in singledom or in a stagnant relationship.  Once you have mastered the art of love people will come into your life with ease, and you can flow from being single to being in a relationship (and vice versa) with ease, grace and joy!

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Hot Guy Syndrome

 

There’s a silent epidemic happening and it really needs to stop: Apps, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat; there’s a bazillion ways to connect with people these days. We can send a PM, a like, a woof, or we can swipe left and right among other things, and this is all great. “The hottest person I’ve ever seen in my life started following me on Instagram. YaY!”
As always, with the great comes responsibility and privilege, and we are wasting this opportunity. Think of all the super hotties you know that seem to be chronically single: How does this happen? Can you think of a few people that seem to have the perfect outer shell, decent career, yet don’t seem to have a date most Friday nights? I’m about to let you in on a little secret, for you consistently single heart breaking hotties out there. Sorry trolls, there’s nothing to learn here for you in this post, so feel free to move along.
Every SINGLE quality that we have as an identity has a good and bad side. A double edge sword exists with every label we give ourselves and to others. In this case, being a looker as a man these days with the ripped bod can act as a weight, holding us back. Why? Because, as we all know, attractive people have it a little easier in this world. People are constantly trying to meet us, to be friends with us; and in lots of cases, to hire. The drawback is when we don’t develop our social skills with everybody else. We simply don’t need to most of the time, so sometimes we end up lacking the ability to communicate efficiently. We don’t have to be funny to cope with our feelings, and we never make the attempt at a joke, or we aren’t interesting in conversation because we will get invited to the parties regardless. But, when it comes to relationships, looks become just one of many qualities that can help create a romantic relationship and/or keep it together. If looks are all we have to offer, we’re doomed to be alone.
In some more severe cases, the hottie never has to make any effort in any of his friendships and relationships – over time, they don’t gain the ability and skills to ask people out on dates. They forget to check in on good friends. They don’t realize that they need to make an effort, to plan, or to bring other things to the table with people, so they don’t. They just wait till the other person does, and they usually do; but, eventually, they stop. Around them people have been growing, evolving and developing. The really great catches we want are hot too; but not only that, they want a connection, they want to feel wanted, they need to see effort and investment or they won’t be willing to do the same. The same thing applies to friendships: If it is one sided for too long one by one they will drop off. The good news is we can avoid this.
Guys, now is the time to look at how we are operating in all of our relationships; this includes family, friends, lovers. Are we making an effort in each of these? Are we taking responsibility for our lives in the areas where it matters? Or, are we letting the others do all of the work? I’m not saying overkill and be constantly texting and needy, here. I’m saying if you are hot and lonely, maybe this is one area you could improve upon. Grownups don’t have a lot of time, and they will simply stop investing in people that are not willing to invest in them.
Selfishness will get us nowhere in the long run.
So, STUDs, get out there and get some balance back in your life: Plan a dinner with a friend, ask somebody out. It’s your turn! Don’t miss out on your opportunity.
Give and you shall receive. Give your love and energy out into the world and I promise you will always have amazing people surrounding you.

 

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*For more information on this or other topics please send your confidential email to chris@studtraining101.com

Social Media and your SEX Life : Part 1

Social media can often make or more often, BREAK your dating and love life. How is this? Lets, find out.

Rants. Everybody knows what a social media “rant” is. But have you ever thought of the consequences of the internet airing of frustrations? To put it simply, rants are usually big a DO NOT if you are looking to get more sex in your life or if you are looking to date. So pretty much everybody should be trying to avoid ranting on social media.

Here’s why: When somebody “rants” on social media they send unconscious messages to everybody who reads it, comments on it, and even “likes” it. These messages are almost never positive the way the writer intends. Even if you are “right” about the situation, and people agree with you, it may still come back to haunt you. Let’s see what really happens when somebody rants…..

What the writer thinks when they are posting a rant on social media:
-“I’m so going to get my revenge on that bitch by calling her out on how she did me wrong.”
-“People will agree with me and that will hurt the other person. I’m doing the world a favor by telling them about his injustice.”
-“This rant will also show that nobody should mess with me because I will stick up for myself. People will respect me”

What others perceive about a persons overall character from a “rant” on Facebook or Twitter:
-“Wow that person is really passive aggressive it’s too bad they aren’t mature enough to have handled that situation privately and face to face with that person.”
-“I should be careful about becoming closer friends with that person who rants. Date them? No way. I don’t need anymore drama in my life thank you very much.”
-“Okay, yes I see their point that was so not cool. How is this any of my business though?”

If something happened that is frustrating you to tears, try to get a family member or close friend to talk it over with instead of posting on social media about it. If it is still bothering you, wait a few days until the ego subsides and you have a more clear and level head. If you STILL have to make a Facebook post about it, fine. Do it in a way that doesn’t personalize the issue by filling it with anger and revenge. If you have a grievance, make plans to speak directly to the source of the problem instead of publicly posting about it to get strangers on your side.

When posting on social media always think to yourself: Am I doing this simply to get attention or is this something that is a fact and is important to me. Am I posting this because my ego is hurt or because the real me is actually hurt? Remember, anytime you post on social media you show the world multiple things, including how you handle situations.Keep this in mind next time somebody pisses you off. It’s not worth hurting your sex life over!!

Till next time, and best of luck in your relationship endeavours:)

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Your Opinion

Know when to have an OPINION….

Remember that last guy you met and might have even dated that was “too nice”??? He was amazing, so nice, put together, easy on the eyes… but something was missing. To put it frankly, you don’t want to jump his bones and you don’t know why.

Well it could be few things. One issue it might be was that he doesn’t ever give his opinion. I would bet a gazillion dollars that nice guy would constantly say things such as (especially when it comes to things like deciding on restaurants, entertainment, activities):

“I don’t care, whatever you want”

“Doesn’t matter”

“I’ll have whatever you have”

These might seem harmless when you first read them and I’m sure every single one of us says them from time to time. I’m not saying they should NEVER be said and you should never go with the flow; I’m saying you should be conscious of if you say them often. Saying things like “it doesn’t matter” all of the time when it comes to decisions between two people starts to unconsciously translate as:

“My opinion is not as important as yours (so I’m not as important as you so why the hell are you hanging around me)”

“I’m not man enough, powerful enough, or confident enough to make decisions”

“I don’t care (about anything really)”

“I avoid my thoughts and feelings and would rather have you deal with them”

“I’m not willing to share with you my thoughts and feelings about even these tiny matters and essentially who I really am with you”

These might sound a little harsh. But we hang out and communicate with others because we like to have experiences-we like to LEARN something so we can grow and develop. If you are constantly saying “it doesn’t matter” and not giving an opinion on subjects, life, and activities, you consistently lose the opportunity to show somebody something new. You lose the opportunity to make an impact. You lose the opportunity to teach. HOW SELFISH of you also!! (Hello one sided relationship).

You don’t have to be a dick about giving your opinion or make judgements and force to get your own way all of the time; but just giving and having your opinion opens yourself up to others and shows that you matter.

What you think MATTERS. What you like MATTERS. What you have experienced MATTERS. So next time, make sure this is what you are presenting to the world- that you are special, you are important and that you matter.

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3 ways to have better times at Pride

1. Get involved. Contributing your time and energy to a cause greater than yourself has numerous rewards. It’s a great way to meet people, become part of a team, and you get to see from the inside what pride is really all about. There are many opportunities to get involved; donating your time to help with events, walking in the parade, to name a few. Have a special talent? This is the perfect opportunity to share. Even going out of your way to dress up in a crazy costume to walk down the street can be a way to contribute as peoples face light up with joy and possibly more depending on what you wear (or choose not to wear). As my friend likes to say “what are YOU bringing to the party.”

2. Stop chasing a scene or a potential lover and focus on having fun with your friends. I screwed this one up on Thursday night as I texted my night away and bounced from bar to bar hoping for more excitement. This is a horrible way to spend a night. Only YOU can control how much fun you are having. Once you start to look outside of yourself for fun and entertainment- you and your night are DONE. Look at the people you went out with and get engaged. Get interested. Ask questions and actually LISTEN for the answers. BE FUN and EXCITING; don’t look for it and it will arrive naturally to you. Focusing on meaning and purpose will ALWAYS pay off.

3. Love yourself and your body and quit comparing yourself to others. Next time you hear yourself saying anything such as -“I am too old for Pride, I am too fat for Pride, I don’t look like those guys, I am too skinny to fit in, or I don’t know what to say to guys I think are hot” – I want you to replace them with and tell YOURSELF instead “WELL THEN YOU CAN JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP!”, particularly say it in Chris Tuckers voice really loudly! You need to SHUT UP that tiny, insecure, negative, bitchy voice that keeps you from having fun. Tell those negative thoughts to “SHUT THE FUCK UP” and then replace them with something empowering. Only you can control your attitude and thoughts, and that will solely determine the impact of the experiences you want to have. It’s your life. Live it for you because you definitely deserve it.

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Courage

Fear holds us back from most things in life. Not just fear of failure but usually fear of success. When we succeed, things have to change and that can be hard to visualize and be at peace with the lack of control; so we sometimes get stuck in a cycle of making the same mistakes and taking the same actions over and over again, keeping us where we are comfortable, which can eventually feel depressing. This is where courage comes in.

Each of us has a hero inside of us waiting to come out. Maybe we don’t have to save the damsel in distress from a burning building, but our individual paths call for courage, every single day. Our level of happiness is completely dependent on how willing we are to face our own individual challenges. Something as simple as calling up a loved one can be uncomfortable and terrifying for some while others see it as joy and do it often. Some can get up in front of an audience and speak and maybe even sing while others cringe at the thought of it while they hide in the back row avoiding to be called upon. But somehow the path we have chosen has set up individual challenges for us to go through. When we succeed in our own tests, we move forward to a more comfortable, happier place in life- with brand new challenges awaiting us. When we focus just on our own challenges in our personal lives, we open up opportunities. When we become our own hero, the world changes around us through our new perspective.

So today, right now, be the hero in your own life. Take control over your own happiness. Call that friend you have lost touch with you would like to reconnect with, forgive somebody to take the stress off yourself, do one thing outside of your comfort zone, take one small action step towards your new and improved life.

“The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them”- Einstein